Many people ask, “What’s the difference between being selfish and loving myself? Aren’t they both about choosing myself?”
It’s a genuine question—especially for those who grew up prioritizing others, suppressing their needs, or equating sacrifice with love.
But the truth is this:
Selfishness and self-love are not the same—and confusing them can deeply affect our relationships and emotional well-being.
Selfishness: When Self-Interest Hurts Connection
Being selfish means
putting yourself first at the expense of others.
It involves choices that harm, invalidate, or disregard the feelings and needs of the people you’re in a relationship with.
Selfishness sounds like:
- “My needs matter, yours don’t.”
- “I’ll do what I want, whether it hurts you or not.”
It’s rooted in disconnection, defensiveness, and sometimes fear.
Self-Love: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships
Self-love, however, is something entirely different.
Loving yourself means taking care of your emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being so that you can show up healthier in your relationships.
Self-love looks like:
- Setting boundaries respectfully
- Taking time to rest
- Communicating your needs
- Honoring your limits
- Choosing healing over chaos
Self-love is not about abandoning others—it’s about not abandoning yourself.
Why People Confuse the Two
Many people feel “selfish” when they begin choosing themselves because:
- They were taught to always prioritize others
- They equate self-worth with pleasing people
- They never learned how to express needs
- They feel guilty when they take space
- They fear disappointing others
And here’s the surprising truth:
We sometimes act “selfishly” when we don’t know how to love ourselves.
When we suppress our needs for too long, they come out in unhealthy ways—outbursts, withdrawal, resentment, or shutdown.
Not because we’re bad people, but because we lacked emotional tools.
How CBT Helps Us Understand This
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy teaches us that:
- Our behaviors are often survival patterns
- We react based on the emotional skills we had at that time
- Awareness gives us the power to change
- We can replace old patterns with healthier ones
You weren’t selfish—you were simply doing the best you could with what you knew.
Now that you’re gaining awareness, you’re already growing.
You Are Allowed to Love Yourself Without Shame
Loving yourself doesn’t make you selfish;
it makes you stronger, safer, and more grounded.
It helps you show up with:
- clarity
- compassion
- emotional stability
- healthier communication
And most importantly—
self-love allows you to love others without losing yourself.
Final Reflection
If you ever find yourself wondering,
“Am I being selfish for choosing myself?”
pause and ask:
Is this choice hurting others unnecessarily,
or helping me stay emotionally healthy?
Self-love is not the enemy of relationships—
it is the foundation of them.